Out of the Fog

Progress is impossible without change, and those who cannot change their minds cannot change anything.
— George Bernard Shaw

Background

A year and a half ago, I went through depression, moodiness, and anger. It was tough back then, and a lot has changed since. I could not have done it without the person I love the most, and the person I am most indebted to: Mom. Back then I wrote a small essay, and today I am ready to share.

Out of the Fog

Written on January 17, 2015

A beam has a microscopic crack initiated. Every day, the crack grows larger and larger inside. It propagates, weakening the beam. On the outside everything looks normal, so it is left untreated. It's not until the beam breaks you know of the problem, by then it's too late.

A human is depressed. He cannot go a day without being negative. The people he used to love he now despises. The environment he used to enjoy is one he now hates. Every person he meets he'll laugh and joke with, but inside, he's empty, hollow...lonely. Loneliness leads to depression, depression leads to negativity, negativity leads to loneliness, a viscous cycle.

The beam represents a human, and that human was me. The state of depression I experienced over the past 2 weeks is now over, but it has left a permanent scar.  I learned a lot about myself through this experience. I have learned how egoistic I am, and how little patience I have. I deceived myself, thinking I am some 'big-shot', talking about myself in a grandiose matter. Criticize me and you could have expected a bout of narcissistic rage.

Things have been going rough lately. It caused my hyped-up-ego to collapse. I realize now how foolish I was. I was just like a house built of straws, it's only when the wind blew, you knew how weak your structure was.

There are few people who can get to a heart of rock. For me that person is my mom. She told me to look into myself. "Look at what you've become lately, all you care is about yourself. When the going gets tough, you forget everyone and everything. Take a step back. You're in one of the best universities in one of the best countries. Lots of people would die for what you have. Be thankful for what you have. You have become so materialistic lately. Be mindful of God, and God will protect you!" 

I finally accepted the bitter truth. My own misery is not the fault of anyone, it's my own fault. One cannot go from egotistic to altruistic overnight, but, accepting the need to change is a step in the right direction. It's not an easy path, there are snakes and turns, ups and downs. Most importantly it cannot be done without earning the love of God, family and friends.